Help Yourselfie

(Reduce perfectionism and increase self-compassion)

Being Kind to Myself

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“Research indicates that self-compassion is one of the most powerful sources of coping and resilience we have available to us, radically improving our mental and physical wellbeing.” A key component of self-compassion is being kind (versus judgmental) when we make mistakes. Instead of using self-compassion, many of us will call ourselves names like stupid, idiot, loser, worthless, etc. when we mess up. But we’d never treat our friends the way we treat ourselves, right? We tend to give them compassion. Self-compassion is turning that kindness we give them on ourselves.

Page3-Tab1 Cultivating Self-Compassion

What do I think or feel about the above concept? (E.g., Does self-compassion feel impossible, inviting, or not sure?)

If self-compassion is difficult for me, what do I think makes it so hard? If it’s easy, why is it easy?

When I see something online that makes me feel like a loser, stupid, worthless, ugly, or bad (you get the picture), how can I show myself more self-compassion?

Which of these three mantras might help me with self-compassion?

This awful feeling is like a wave. It came in, but it’ll go out.

The only failure is giving up; everything else is data.

Mistakes are where the growth is.

If I think of the last time I posted something that made me cringe, and I repeat the mantra I chose above (instead of dwelling on the cringe factor), how does that feel?

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Expanding Self-Compassion and Resilience

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Our brains are busy. Every moment, they’re taking in hundreds (if not thousands) of pieces of information and working to connect them to our experiences. As our brains try to organize the information they’re receiving, they’re placing the highest priority on information that will help keep us alive–which often pushes them towards negatives or extremes.

While that might have been helpful millions of years ago (when surviving the day was a feat in itself), this negative bias continues to show up in our thinking even if our lives aren’t actively being threatened. Our brains overgeneralize information, filter out the positive, catastrophize , and jump to conclusions so much that we have a name for these common logical missteps: cognitive distortions . (Look them up online. See which match your thinking styles. There’s a bunch!)

Here’s the deal: Our brains might automatically lean towards negative interpretations, but that isn’t always the most helpful approach–or even the truth. One simple way to practice self-compassion and create a more realistic view of self is this: Notice our thoughts and question if they’re really true.

Page3-Tab2 Let Go of Comparing Yourself

What do I think and feel about what I read above?

As I consider the impact of negative thinking patterns, do I identify with any? If so, which and why?

How might my thinking style(s) affect my self-compassion?

How might my thinking styles affect ?

Sometimes people–even family or friends–say things about me that seem to support my negative thinking styles. That can make those negative thoughts about me FEEL true. Rather than reacting with acceptance, what can I do, instead, that might help or at least feel better?

Tell myself: “My value is not based on what someone says about me.”

Before I react more, let me take a few deep breaths, and remind myself that I am strong and worthwhile.

Connect with those who value my worth.

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Hoping for Shares or “Going Viral”

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Whether you consider yourself a perfectionist or not, we have aspects of ourselves that shoot for perfection . This is especially true online where we have ultimate control over what people see. While wanting to put forward a positive image and make a good impression aren’t bad things, taken too far, they can be dangerous. For example, from October 2011 to November 2017, there were 259 deaths while clicking selfies (e.g., on cliffs, edges of volcanoes, etc.). The “trend” got quieter during the pandemic’s lockdown period but came back strong. In the first seven months of 2021, 31 fatal accidents, one per week, occurred while people were trying to click that perfect shot.

Page3-Tab3 Improving Self Worth

When I think of a perfect post or selfie—mine or someone else's–why was that perfect in my eyes?

If I hope for something I share to spread or “go viral,” what actions do I typically take to enhance the shot (e.g., editing/using filters, finding dangerous locations, etc.)?

What can make something great to share? (E.g., A cherished memory? An image that includes someone I love with me? A moment in life where I felt wonderful? Maybe a non-selfie image that simply makes me feel joy when I look at it.)

If a post doesn’t perform well, what kind of thing might I say to comfort or reassure myself?

When sharing and posting, how might I tame the “perfectionist” in me?

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Growing from Mistakes

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It’s important to remember that mistakes aren't usually permanent. In life and especially in relationships, taking ownership and apologizing can go a long way in righting wrongs and healing hurts. And if a mistake didn’t harm anyone or anything, then we can simply learn from it, let go, and move on. (Besides, thinking over and over about a mistake rarely makes us feel better in the long run.)

Page3-Tab4 Reaching Out

What’s a recent mistake I made online or that is hard to let go of or get over?

Are there aspects of my identity (e.g., gender or sexual minority, , living in a larger body) that may make it harder to “let go” of my mistakes?

Imagine a close friend made a similar mistake. What would I say to this friend to help them show more self-compassion and learn from their mistake?

Is there something similar I can tell myself to help me learn from my mistake and not beat myself up? If so, what is it?

What's most likely to get in the way of me learning from my mistakes rather than judging myself for making mistakes?

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Assessing Mental Health Info Online

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Millions of people are scrolling for information and seeking self-help on social media. There, they can find information about any number of mental-wellness-related topics: perfectionism, self-compassion, mindfulness, anxiety, depression, ADHD, autism, disabilities, or whatever they might be experiencing.

Mental health influencers–professional and not–can be wonderful!! They have the potential to educate, create communities, reduce isolation, and help to reduce shame and stigma surrounding internal struggles. At the same time, they can spread misinformation, over-apply a personal experience to the masses, maintain stigma, or have otherwise unhelpful outcomes. So how do you tell the difference between an influencer whose information is trustworthy or not?

Remember that all media, including social media, has a message and a goal–may be to educate, persuade, sell, or something else altogether. Questioning the source and its intent can help you identify sources you can trust.

Page3-Tab5 Being Imperfect is Being Human

Thinking (or looking) back to a recent post I saw online that provided information about health or mental health, what might the person’s purpose have been in posting that particular image/video/information? (E.g., trying to sell a product for a company or for personal gain, seeking validation of their own experience, educating the public, etc.)

Thinking about the same post, what education or experience does the poster have that makes me believe they’re a trusted authority on the topic? (E.g., Do they have an advanced degree, lived with this condition, etc.?)

Continuing to think about the same post, did the poster share in a one-size-fits-all way (e.g., using words such as “always, never, everyone, no one”) OR did they note the limitations of what they’ve shared (e.g., that people’s experiences differ, symptoms could be related to more than one issue, etc.)?

Still thinking about the same post, did the poster provide additional resources or citations so I could learn more or doublecheck their facts?

Reflecting on the answers above, how trustworthy do I think the source (person posting) is/was, or do I need more information to make this decision? (If so, what kind of additional information do I need?)